The Old Eighteen

Quote of the day

The right of citizens to bear arms is just one more guarantee against arbitrary government, one more safeguard against the tyranny which now appears remote in America, but which historically has proved to be always possible.

-- Hubert H. Humphrey

Quote of the day

We are the richest country in the world. We spend more on health care than any other country. Yet we have the worst health care in the Western world. Come on. We can do better than this.

-- Michael Moore

Quote of the day

No problem can withstand the assault of sustained thinking.

-- Voltaire

Quote of the day

There is one rule that works in every calamity. Be it pestilence, war, or famine, the rich get richer and poor get poorer. The poor even help arrange it.

-- Will Rogers

Quote of the day

It's time for America to get right.

-- Fannie Lou Hamer

The wit and wisdom of John McSame

At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you c*nt.
To his wife, 1992

Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno.
At a GOP fund-raiser, Washington D.C., June 1998

Only an asshole would put together a budget like this. I wouldn't call you an asshole unless you really were an asshole.
To Senator Pete Domenici, 1999

I hate the gooks. I will hate them as long as I live.
February 17, 2000

Well, then why was there a banner that said "Mission Accomplished" on the aircraft carrier? Look, the -- I have said a long time that reconstrution of Iraq would be a long, long, difficult process, but the conflict -- the major conflict is over, the regime change has been accomplished, and it's very appropriate.
Interview with Neil Cavuto, June 11, 2003

I'm going to be honest: I know a lot less about economics than I do about military and foreign policy issues. I still need to be educated.
Wall Street Journal interview, November 26, 2005

I've never agreed with Roe v. Wade so it wouldn't bother me any.
On the possibility of Roe. V. Wade being overturned, 2006

They're the government; sooner or later we are going to have to deal with them, one way or another, and I understand why this administration and previous administrations had such antipathy towards Hamas because of their dedication to violence and the things that they not only espouse but practice, so ... but it's a new reality in the Middle East. I think the lesson is people want security and a decent life and decent future, that they want democracy. Fatah was not giving them that.
On Hamas, during an interview with James Rubin, 2006

The issue of economics is not something I’ve understood as well as I should.
December 18, 2007

I was in a conference in Germany over the weekend and President Putin of Germany gave one of the old Cold War style speeches...
On Russian President Vladimi Putin, January 19, 2008

It's a tough war we're in. It's not going to be over right away. There's going to be other wars. I'm sorry to tell you, there's going to be other wars. We will never surrender but there will be other wars.
January 27, 2008

As part of Social Security reform, I believe that private savings accounts are a part of it -- along the lines that President Bush proposed.
February 2008

I have a clear record, both publicly and privately, of saying Alito and Roberts are what we want on the Supreme Court.
February 2, 2008

It's common knowledge and has been reported in the media that Al-Qaeda is going back into Iran and receiving training and are coming back into Iraq. That's well known. We continue to be concerned about the Iranians taking Al-Qaeda into Iran and training them and sending them back.... I am sorry, the Iranians are training extremists, not Al-Qaeda, not Al-Qaeda, I am sorry.
During an official visit in Amman, Jordon, making a statement and then being corrected by Senator Joe Lieberman; March 18, 2008

We need to go back to have a conversation about what to do: rebuild it, tear it down, you know, whatever it is.
On the Ninth Ward in post-Katrina New Orleans, April 21, 2008

We have drawn down to pre-surge levels.
May 29, 2008, despite the fact that troops are still not at pre-surge levels

No, but that's not too important. What's important is the casualties in Iraq. Americans are in South Korea. Americans are in Japan. American troops are in Germany. That's all fine.
In an interview with Matt Lauer, when asked if he has an estimate of when troops will come home from Iraq; June 11, 2008

Remembering George Carlin

George Carlin
May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008

So I say live and let live. That's my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy but it's always worked in our family.

Religion has actually conviced people that there's an invisible man. Living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day of your life. And he has a list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any, any, of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and ash and torture where he will send you to suffer and burn and scream and cry forever and ever until the end of time. ... But he loves you.

Thou shalt not kill. Murder. The fifth commandment. But if you think about it...if you think about it, religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. No, more people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. All you have to do...all you have to do is look at slavery, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, the Holocaust, and the World Trade Center, and you'll see how seriously the religious folks take "Thou Shalt Not Kill." The more devout they are...the more devout they are, the more they see murder as negotiable...it's negotiable. It depends, you know? It depends, it depends on who's doing the killing, and who's getting killed.

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts...Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are 7 you can't say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993...to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. "All of you words over here, you seven....baaaad words". That's what they told us, right? "That's a bad word!" Awwww. No bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords. You know the seven, don't ya? That you can't say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. Huh? Those are the heavy seven. Those are the words that'll infect your soul, curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war. Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits, wow! And tits doesn't even belong on the list! It seems like such a friendly word. Sounds like a nickname. "Hey Tits, come here man! Tits! Meet my friend Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots". Sounds like a snack...oh yeah, it is. Right. But I don't mean your sexist snack, I mean new Nabisco Tits. Corn Tits n' Sesame Tits n' Cheese Tits.....Tater Tits. Bet you can't eat just one!

Quote of the day

If the government can round up someone and never be required to explain why, then it's no longer the United States of America as you and I always understood it. Our enemies have succeeded beyond their wildest dreams. They have made us become like them.

-- Garrison Keillor

Quote of the day

A new study has found that three million Irish men can trace their ancestry back to just one man. In his defense, the man said that he'd been drinking.

-- Conan O'Brien

Quote of the day

George Bush can speak perfectly well, just not when he's being caring or compassionate or concerned about human beings. That's when he stutters and says shit like "Hey it's hard to put food on your family." Which he actually said, he said it's hard to put food on your family. Do you know why he said that? 'Cause he could give a fuck how hard it is for you to put food on the table for your family. But you know when he gets really downright poetic and articulate and focused is when he's talking about war and death and murder and retribution. All of a sudden he's Dylan Thomas.

-- Patton Oswalt